We can guess, that all of us, some more some less, have experience of such feelings, like not care for, not heard, not understand at all, rolled over, smash down, rejected, abandoned, discarded, poach, hurt, stigmatized, broken, left behind, misunderstood, push in dirt, totally humiliated etc etc etc 😦 😦 😦 It is very very difficult, no doubt about it, when we experience such feeling. And same time, it is more difficult, when we personally cause experience such feeling our beloved ones. In such situations, when we cause such feeling, we can feel much more pain as we experience by our self.
Aim of this practical topic is to help us learn to develop and maintain very close, intimate relationships with our bellowed one, like intimate friends, partners and children. Even we can wisely, with some adjustments apply these recommendations in much wider area as any kind of important relationships.
Main basis of this “Hour of Pure Love” in such psychological philosophies and methods as “Emphatic and active listening” and “Emotional Bank Account”. If we are not familiar with these terms, please read articles linked below terms. Kind psychologises V. Apsite and S. Metra share with all of us one of the so successfully tested psycho-hygiene method, “High-value freedom hour” “Special time for our beloved ones”. It recommended practicing “Hour of Pure Love” individually as “Giver” with each so close person at least once 60 minutes an every single week. In dead end, at least weekly 5 minutes with each end every intimate friends, partners and children separately would be good start and then gradually that can be increased. 🙂 This special time will build up and maintain foster mutual trust, emotional discharge, and harmonization of the relationship. As side effect, there will be improvement of communication competence, self-esteem, personal development and many others good and healthy so important factors and aspects.
This “Hour of Pure Love” is like a role game between two persons, where setup boundaries can truly help both participants. There is one active role, lets us call “Giver” and one passive “Receiver”, which have opposite or different sets of rolls or boundaries. In family, who has more than one child, then ideally each child has a separate scheduled special time of “Hour of Pure Love” with each parent, who plays the role of “Giver”. And ideally each partner have two separate scheduled special time, one as “Giver” and one as “Receiver”.
The following are describes the rolls, boundaries or provisions of sections which seems to be more relevant:
- At least one day in advance, “Giver” (G) and “Receiver” (R) of “Hour of Pure Love” agree on a date, time, and place when they will be alone, if the scheduled time the G or/and B is busy, the both will make new agreement for an another time.
[If the G broke promise to the R, that undermining R confidence, permanence and a sense of security. If a R is too small baby to agree on a certain period of time, to the special time can give a specific name, like “Do All What You Want”, “Hour of Love” etc and within the time available to offer some games, plays, entertainment etc together. G is responsible for fully focused time with the R, wholly suspended for an hour at the edge of any prevention – going to the phone, making tea, opening the door, give attention to other people or children.]
- G is responsible to be in a great mood and lively, so G will completely surrenders to enjoy play, conversation, activities etc and admire the R’s life. If not, it is desirable to have a conversation with between a G and a R temporarily postponed to another time, date or place.
- G hand over responsibility to R about R relationship with a G and on R activities. Allow to do whatever the R wants: R may want to go somewhere, something to show, something to give, speak, ask, share, express and so on. It reinvigorates the R to disclose emotions, to trust, to express what everyday life has failed and has accumulated in the heart or buried deeper into the subconscious.
- G responsibility to clearly expresses G joy of contact with R, to expression of interest, full acceptance, always allow the winning or to be by others R rolls and desires.
[Winning for those hours, at other times for the R, even child, learn to lose. G makes every effort to attract R. R may be checked for authenticity and interest of G against R, if G really wants to be with R. R can “catching the strength of the fool” by offering a boring, monotonous game or actions, which can be exported out of G patience.]
- In complex situations, G manifests itself differently; otherwise, the R is entrusted to a different, even shocking behaviour, actions, information etc. With a tone of voice, behaviour of the G shows readiness to accept new, even completely different behaviour or/and actions, or/and information. Composure in the midst safety, the R can begin to unload emotions. Healthy and helpful to accept fully any R emotions like crying, scream, yell, roar, bawl, whoop etc, by allowing and encouraging express, reload all emotions to the complete end of accumulated emotions.
[Some example about child emotional expressions: Jon a roach knows how to take mom and dad had fallen down, badly fall down and began to cry. Aunt hurried up and picked up the boy on her lap, firmly embraced, to appease Jon by saying, “Do not cry, do not cry, boy never cry!” The boy jumped out of the aunt lap, saying, “Not for You I crying,” and ran away from aunt to the mother’s/father’s lap cry out to the complete end of accumulated emotions. And mom/dad permit and encourage a Jon continuant to cry and keep going emotion-discharge process to the complete end of accumulated emotions. Otherwise undischarge emotion will cause unnecessary illness, rebellion character, disobedience, frustrations, closeness, loneliness, depression etc or any other destructive situation, depends on particle emotions. About discharge of emotion, we can read more in article “Emotions, feelings and their discharge”.]
- For G is healthy to encourage R disclosure of emotion and aggression and G responsibility is to steering it in a safe direction. For example breaking anger pillows, shouting emotion and aggression out, “fighting the bears” (emotion-discharge exercise: fighting roaring in low and deep tone as the bears, roaring in low tone stimulates the release of anger and aggression in healthy and beneficial way). It is desirable to avoid to destructive behaviour. If the R starts too heavily to beat up G, or to damage needful object, we can softly with kind care can say, “I love You. I care for You. It really very good, when You express these painful emotion and aggression. For me (or specific object name), it is too painful and hurtful such blows and hits. Hit and blow this special “Anger cushion””. It can be some ordinary or special make “Anger cushion” from special bag or large, soft big toy, on which we can express so painful emotions and aggressions. Behind aggression, there are usually fear, doubt, insecurity, anger etc. -making may provide and use a special bag or large, soft luggage. Always behind the aggression there is standing fear, doubt, uncertainty, and the prohibition of express and disclosure aggression, fear and others painful and destructive emotions. Discharge of aggression may be the next to discharges of fear with laughter. Depending on how the trust will develop, the R may express his/her superset feelings, emotions, aggressions in so many ways.
- For G it is so important in this specific time of “Hour of Pure Love” to keep him/her self back from temptation to teach, guide, push the game of G way, ideas and rules. For G is healthy to allow R to assess the situation himself. G in this R time generally play the role of weaker, less knowledgeable, more cowardly, more passive than the R. The only exception, can be if R offers something too dangerous (take breakable, sharp objects, wants to jump out the window, etc.). Always desirable for this special time of “Hour of Pure Love” to win, be more active, expressive, passionate the R.
For G in advisable to encourage the R, advisable to look at R new and fresh talent and generously name it. “Hour of Pure Love” will reveal to all participants new, surprisingly rich and colorful world, will open opportunities for new forces and unknown capabilities. Will more develop a deeper increasing confidence in our-selves, in mutual trust and confidence in the outside world, which is a guarantee for Supreme Success.
Your ever well-wisher with love and encouragement BVG Janaka das
24 May 2011 – https://bhls.wordpress.com